Depression: Wading Through the Darkness
Deuteronomy 31: 6b "For the Lord God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Since the death of Robin Williams last week many people have taken an interest in understanding the mind of persons with depression. Though I am glad that the tragic death of Mr. Williams has increased awareness of this horrible disorder, I think it is sad that it takes the death of a celebrity to awaken the minds of everyday people. Depression is by no means a new illness. It has been around since man committed the first sin and will remain with us until kingdom come. It is a disorder that does not respect persons, anyone can fall prey to it and without any warning. At this time it is not clearly understood why people develop depression though the medical field has certain theories, and there is no cure for the disorder. What I can tell you about depression is that it is not about being weak or strong, having faith or not, being wealthy, or poor. It does not discriminate based on race or gender, or place of birth. Depression is a silent tormentor that can creep up on a person out of the blue and ruin lives, if gone unchecked.
I know this sounds very dark and cold but I am speaking from personal experience. I have dealt with depression for close to 20 years now and I almost completely gave into the disorder more than once. See, I attempted (on three separate occasions) to take the path Mr. Williams chose because at the time, it seemed like the only way out. It felt as if no amount of medication, therapy, prayer, or intervention was going to make things better. I had reached the point where death seemed a better option that going on, struggling everyday. I cannot say this is how Mr. Williams felt because his illness was compounded by another, possibly more frightening illness, Parkinson's Disease, but I can say I know this how millions of other people feel every day. Everyday the rate of suicide increases in this nation and though all is not due to depression, I wonder how many of those suffered in the silence of this disease.
What depression actually feels like is hard to put into words. It is obviously more than the occasional sadness that everyone feels from time to time. It is more than simply feeling tired and lonely. Depression is an ongoing sensation of loneliness, deep sorrow, and exhaustion. It is sorrow that often can not be named because there is no clear origin to it. When I was in the midst of my Major Depressive Episodes (once known as a nervous breakdown) I cried almost continually and yet I felt numb. I could not enjoy any part of my life. I had friends who attempted to cheer me up (and God bless them for their efforts) but I could not enjoy life. Everything I felt pointless, wrong. I had no desire to eat, I was extremely exhausted but could not sleep. I prayed fervently, often on my knees, and spent time in God's Word but nothing seemed to ease the constant nagging pain or add light to the ever present darkness of my mind. And eventually, I came to the point where I could not bare to continue living.
Again, I understand how dark and hopeless this all sounds but my message is not hopeless because I am still here. I will not claim that I totally overcame depression because just last Spring I had another minor episode but I now know I that it does get better if you accept the help that is offered. I am not just speaking about mental help, or medication, though those two things certainly contribute to my more balanced life. I am also talking about accepting help from friends, family, and prayer warriors. I learned that isolating ones self in the face of depression is the worst thing you can do. Depression tells you that you should be alone, that misery does NOT love company and that no one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time. This is not true. If your friends and family truly love you, they will be there to support you. You need people when you are feeling most depressed. I also learned that you need to talk about it. Keep the fact that you are struggling a secret will only make it worse. When you keep it inside, it becomes a poison that corrupts everything it touches and has the power to destroy. Let people know you are feeling down for the count, ask for support in whatever form you need and talk to those who are "experts" in the field. Therapists do not have all the answers, no one but God does, but they can be a lifeline when you feel no one else understands. It is also important to keep a journal/diary. I know this may sound a bit silly to some people but journaling is one of the best ways to cope with feelings you may not feel comfortable sharing with others. It can be an instant outlet when your support persons are not available. Writing your feelings also gives you clearer insight into what exactly is going on in your mind. The entries do not have to be long, assertaric ramblings, they can simply be one or two lines on how you are feeling at that particular moment, the important thing is getting it out.
The (hopefully) helpful coping mechanisms I have listed above are clearly secular in nature but I am going to change gears to the most important recovery tool I have in my "tool kit", prayer. Before I get to far, let me point out that most psychologists and psychiatrists agree that some form of religious belief is important to recovery from any mental illness. Despite some atheistic claims that religion itself is a mental disease, the opposite is quite true. As a Christian, when depression was in full bloom, I cried out to God in a similar fashion as David in Psalm 22:1 "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why art thou so far from help me, and from the words of my roaring?" I felt as if my prayers were going to heaven only to be returned to sender. I no longer felt the presence of God in my life as I once did and my faith slowly began to fade. It seemed the more I prayed, the more hopeless I felt. In the midst of my depression, I forgot two things. I forgot a promise that God made to the Israelites many generations ago but stands true for us today: Deuteronomy 31: 6b "For the Lord God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." I also forgot the fact that God does not work in my time but his and demanding He change things is foolishness. Though I do not understand why God allowed me to suffer so long I do know there was a purpose to that suffering. I also know that just because I don't "feel" I have faith and don't "feel" God is near, does not change anything. When we are depressed, our emotions and often our thought are not to be trusted. Remember at this point our thoughts and feelings are bent toward darkness, toward a hopeless tomorrow. Our thoughts tell us that we are worthless, that if God really loved us, we wouldn't feel this way, that life is not living because the pain is too great. None of these things are true. What is true is that when all seems most hopeless and we are not sure we can make it through another day, we must depend on God to give us strength, whether it be strength for tomorrow, the next hour, the next minute, He is there. He has given us the tool to recover, medicine, therapy, friends, family, and most importantly His promises. If we use what God has given us, we are more than capable of overcoming depression if we just hold on! No it won't be easy, and depression may rear its head again, but you will have brighter days.
Since the death of Robin Williams last week many people have taken an interest in understanding the mind of persons with depression. Though I am glad that the tragic death of Mr. Williams has increased awareness of this horrible disorder, I think it is sad that it takes the death of a celebrity to awaken the minds of everyday people. Depression is by no means a new illness. It has been around since man committed the first sin and will remain with us until kingdom come. It is a disorder that does not respect persons, anyone can fall prey to it and without any warning. At this time it is not clearly understood why people develop depression though the medical field has certain theories, and there is no cure for the disorder. What I can tell you about depression is that it is not about being weak or strong, having faith or not, being wealthy, or poor. It does not discriminate based on race or gender, or place of birth. Depression is a silent tormentor that can creep up on a person out of the blue and ruin lives, if gone unchecked.
I know this sounds very dark and cold but I am speaking from personal experience. I have dealt with depression for close to 20 years now and I almost completely gave into the disorder more than once. See, I attempted (on three separate occasions) to take the path Mr. Williams chose because at the time, it seemed like the only way out. It felt as if no amount of medication, therapy, prayer, or intervention was going to make things better. I had reached the point where death seemed a better option that going on, struggling everyday. I cannot say this is how Mr. Williams felt because his illness was compounded by another, possibly more frightening illness, Parkinson's Disease, but I can say I know this how millions of other people feel every day. Everyday the rate of suicide increases in this nation and though all is not due to depression, I wonder how many of those suffered in the silence of this disease.
What depression actually feels like is hard to put into words. It is obviously more than the occasional sadness that everyone feels from time to time. It is more than simply feeling tired and lonely. Depression is an ongoing sensation of loneliness, deep sorrow, and exhaustion. It is sorrow that often can not be named because there is no clear origin to it. When I was in the midst of my Major Depressive Episodes (once known as a nervous breakdown) I cried almost continually and yet I felt numb. I could not enjoy any part of my life. I had friends who attempted to cheer me up (and God bless them for their efforts) but I could not enjoy life. Everything I felt pointless, wrong. I had no desire to eat, I was extremely exhausted but could not sleep. I prayed fervently, often on my knees, and spent time in God's Word but nothing seemed to ease the constant nagging pain or add light to the ever present darkness of my mind. And eventually, I came to the point where I could not bare to continue living.
Again, I understand how dark and hopeless this all sounds but my message is not hopeless because I am still here. I will not claim that I totally overcame depression because just last Spring I had another minor episode but I now know I that it does get better if you accept the help that is offered. I am not just speaking about mental help, or medication, though those two things certainly contribute to my more balanced life. I am also talking about accepting help from friends, family, and prayer warriors. I learned that isolating ones self in the face of depression is the worst thing you can do. Depression tells you that you should be alone, that misery does NOT love company and that no one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time. This is not true. If your friends and family truly love you, they will be there to support you. You need people when you are feeling most depressed. I also learned that you need to talk about it. Keep the fact that you are struggling a secret will only make it worse. When you keep it inside, it becomes a poison that corrupts everything it touches and has the power to destroy. Let people know you are feeling down for the count, ask for support in whatever form you need and talk to those who are "experts" in the field. Therapists do not have all the answers, no one but God does, but they can be a lifeline when you feel no one else understands. It is also important to keep a journal/diary. I know this may sound a bit silly to some people but journaling is one of the best ways to cope with feelings you may not feel comfortable sharing with others. It can be an instant outlet when your support persons are not available. Writing your feelings also gives you clearer insight into what exactly is going on in your mind. The entries do not have to be long, assertaric ramblings, they can simply be one or two lines on how you are feeling at that particular moment, the important thing is getting it out.
The (hopefully) helpful coping mechanisms I have listed above are clearly secular in nature but I am going to change gears to the most important recovery tool I have in my "tool kit", prayer. Before I get to far, let me point out that most psychologists and psychiatrists agree that some form of religious belief is important to recovery from any mental illness. Despite some atheistic claims that religion itself is a mental disease, the opposite is quite true. As a Christian, when depression was in full bloom, I cried out to God in a similar fashion as David in Psalm 22:1 "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why art thou so far from help me, and from the words of my roaring?" I felt as if my prayers were going to heaven only to be returned to sender. I no longer felt the presence of God in my life as I once did and my faith slowly began to fade. It seemed the more I prayed, the more hopeless I felt. In the midst of my depression, I forgot two things. I forgot a promise that God made to the Israelites many generations ago but stands true for us today: Deuteronomy 31: 6b "For the Lord God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." I also forgot the fact that God does not work in my time but his and demanding He change things is foolishness. Though I do not understand why God allowed me to suffer so long I do know there was a purpose to that suffering. I also know that just because I don't "feel" I have faith and don't "feel" God is near, does not change anything. When we are depressed, our emotions and often our thought are not to be trusted. Remember at this point our thoughts and feelings are bent toward darkness, toward a hopeless tomorrow. Our thoughts tell us that we are worthless, that if God really loved us, we wouldn't feel this way, that life is not living because the pain is too great. None of these things are true. What is true is that when all seems most hopeless and we are not sure we can make it through another day, we must depend on God to give us strength, whether it be strength for tomorrow, the next hour, the next minute, He is there. He has given us the tool to recover, medicine, therapy, friends, family, and most importantly His promises. If we use what God has given us, we are more than capable of overcoming depression if we just hold on! No it won't be easy, and depression may rear its head again, but you will have brighter days.
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