Love, Loss, and abounding Grace: Bringing light into our darkest hour.
To most people, June 1998 was like any other June since man started using the Roman calendar but for Jene, myself, and our families (both biological and in Christ), June 1998 would be a month filled with mixed emotions. Many of the kids from our church's youth group were graduating and starting out on the adventure we call adulthood. The youth group was also getting ready for a missions trip and busy being kids in general. Meanwhile, Jene and I were preparing our hearts for the most heartbreaking moment we would ever experience, though we were not expecting the moment to happen for nearly another month.
To explain what was about to happen, I must first go back almost 4 four months to February 1998. Jene and I had only been married two months and were expecting our first child to be born in July. Jene and I were both excited but a dread was growing inside my heart that I could not shake. At first everyone I mentioned this dread to thought I was suffering anxiety normal for a first time Mom but within myself I knew it was more than that. At a "routine" visit to my doctor he listened for our baby's heartbeat but could not find one. My doctor, a wonderful, kind, man, tried to reassure me that it was probably nothing to be concerned about but I could tell by the look on his face that he was very concerned. This appointment started a series of appointments, first with the ultrasound check, then with a OB/GYN, the with a neonatal specialist. By early March we had a diagnosis and it was grim. Our baby was diagnosed with Bi-lateral Renal Agenesis (Potter's Syndrome), a disease which has a 99.9% fatality rate.
I remember when we first received the diagnosis, I felt as if someone had punched me in the center of the chest. I couldn't breath and I could hardly speak. Guilt riddled my mind as I wondered if this was a punishment from the Lord for having violated my promise to remain a virgin until I got married. I wondered how Jene and I would ever make it through this with our marriage being only 2 months old and I wondered if others would blame me as I blamed myself. It did not help that the OB/GYN who first gave us the diagnosis told me that my "best option" was to have an abortion. Something that was, to Jene and I, not an option.
The neonatologist we visited confirmed what the OB/GYN had diagnosed but this time we were far better prepared to deal with crisis (or at least as prepared as we could be). Our Youth Pastor and his wife had come with us and we are to this day extremely grateful for their presence. Though this doctor offered to "deliver" our baby early, he felt it was a good decision when we refused.
Over the following months, my heart would be broken repeatedly. Each time I went to the doctor and heard our baby's heartbeat, went to an ultrasound to see her growth, and felt her move, it was as if my heart were being ripped open again. We had many many people gathered around us in prayer, holding us and our baby up to the Lord but there were so many days I felt utterly and completely alone.
Early in the morning on June 10, I started having contraction and went to the hospital but was sent home in "latent labor." The labor went on until early in the morning June 12, when Jene and I headed back to the hospital to deliver our baby. Again we were surrounded by people we loved and shortly after 7:00 p.m. Azure Skie Hamilton came into the world. She was so tiny and frail, I was almost afraid to touch her but I knew that the time was short. We called our Youth Pastor, Jene folks, my Mom, Dad, and Step-Mom into the room so that everyone would have a chance to hold her, kiss her and say their hellos and goodbyes. I watched as each person held her close, all smiling and proud. For a moment I imagined that the doctor had been wrong and that everything was going to be alright but within me I knew it was not. Azure was so small (3lbs 2oz) and she breathed in small burdened breaths. She made no noise and did not move like other babies. Still, in my eyes she was the most beautiful baby in the world. She was so beautiful she reminded me of a little china doll.
Azure's life was short and she lived just over 2 hours before the Lord took her in His loving arms and carried her to her eternal home. All our hearts were broken and at that moment I could not imagine ever feeling whole again. As the doctor came to take her from me for the last time I wanted nothing more than to go with her but that was not God's plan for me. That night I hardly slept and I think the same is true for Jene. Laying there in the maternity ward, I could hear the cry of other people's babies and this only served to break my heart further. The next morning I was able to return home but until those other mothers who had delivered their babies the same day as Azure, we went home alone, no car seats, no diapers, no bottles, just empty arms and broken hearts.
The next two days were a blur as we made hasty preparations for a funeral that would be Monday June 14. On Sunday afternoon family and friends gathered at the funeral home to comfort us and say goodbye to our beautiful little girl. Though they tried their hardest to cheer Jene and I up, it was in vain. I felt, hollow, hopeless, and all alone. The funeral on Monday was brief but beautiful with our Youth Pastor delivering a call to salvation and his wife singing a lovely song. As everyone went home, I could not help wondering what to do now. How could we move forward? How could the world continue to spin and life go on as normal when we would never feel "normal" again?
Now 15 years later, life has moved on for us. We have three wonderful little boys, a beautiful home, good educations, and abounding love. As I look back on that most heartbreaking June of our lives, I can see how God was shining His abounding grace on us even in the darkness of our hearts. We were comforted by those we love and I know it was only through His strength that our marriage and our sanity was able to endure all those painful moments when it seemed all hope was doused. God held our hands as we had Azure baptized. He held us in His arms as we said our final goodbyes and He strengthened us through two miscarriages after we lost Azure. All the while God was whispering in our hearts the words of 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Even now I think of Azure everyday and there are times when my heart still aches for her. There are also days when out of the blue I begin to weep for her and wonder what she would have grown to look like, what her personality would be like, and what she would have grown up to be. On those days it is like being back 15 years ago on the day we said goodbye but unlike that day, I can see clearly the promises God made to us. I can embrace the knowledge that someday we will meet again in Heaven and that her life had purpose, even if I do not yet know what that may be.
To explain what was about to happen, I must first go back almost 4 four months to February 1998. Jene and I had only been married two months and were expecting our first child to be born in July. Jene and I were both excited but a dread was growing inside my heart that I could not shake. At first everyone I mentioned this dread to thought I was suffering anxiety normal for a first time Mom but within myself I knew it was more than that. At a "routine" visit to my doctor he listened for our baby's heartbeat but could not find one. My doctor, a wonderful, kind, man, tried to reassure me that it was probably nothing to be concerned about but I could tell by the look on his face that he was very concerned. This appointment started a series of appointments, first with the ultrasound check, then with a OB/GYN, the with a neonatal specialist. By early March we had a diagnosis and it was grim. Our baby was diagnosed with Bi-lateral Renal Agenesis (Potter's Syndrome), a disease which has a 99.9% fatality rate.
I remember when we first received the diagnosis, I felt as if someone had punched me in the center of the chest. I couldn't breath and I could hardly speak. Guilt riddled my mind as I wondered if this was a punishment from the Lord for having violated my promise to remain a virgin until I got married. I wondered how Jene and I would ever make it through this with our marriage being only 2 months old and I wondered if others would blame me as I blamed myself. It did not help that the OB/GYN who first gave us the diagnosis told me that my "best option" was to have an abortion. Something that was, to Jene and I, not an option.
The neonatologist we visited confirmed what the OB/GYN had diagnosed but this time we were far better prepared to deal with crisis (or at least as prepared as we could be). Our Youth Pastor and his wife had come with us and we are to this day extremely grateful for their presence. Though this doctor offered to "deliver" our baby early, he felt it was a good decision when we refused.
Over the following months, my heart would be broken repeatedly. Each time I went to the doctor and heard our baby's heartbeat, went to an ultrasound to see her growth, and felt her move, it was as if my heart were being ripped open again. We had many many people gathered around us in prayer, holding us and our baby up to the Lord but there were so many days I felt utterly and completely alone.
Early in the morning on June 10, I started having contraction and went to the hospital but was sent home in "latent labor." The labor went on until early in the morning June 12, when Jene and I headed back to the hospital to deliver our baby. Again we were surrounded by people we loved and shortly after 7:00 p.m. Azure Skie Hamilton came into the world. She was so tiny and frail, I was almost afraid to touch her but I knew that the time was short. We called our Youth Pastor, Jene folks, my Mom, Dad, and Step-Mom into the room so that everyone would have a chance to hold her, kiss her and say their hellos and goodbyes. I watched as each person held her close, all smiling and proud. For a moment I imagined that the doctor had been wrong and that everything was going to be alright but within me I knew it was not. Azure was so small (3lbs 2oz) and she breathed in small burdened breaths. She made no noise and did not move like other babies. Still, in my eyes she was the most beautiful baby in the world. She was so beautiful she reminded me of a little china doll.
Azure's life was short and she lived just over 2 hours before the Lord took her in His loving arms and carried her to her eternal home. All our hearts were broken and at that moment I could not imagine ever feeling whole again. As the doctor came to take her from me for the last time I wanted nothing more than to go with her but that was not God's plan for me. That night I hardly slept and I think the same is true for Jene. Laying there in the maternity ward, I could hear the cry of other people's babies and this only served to break my heart further. The next morning I was able to return home but until those other mothers who had delivered their babies the same day as Azure, we went home alone, no car seats, no diapers, no bottles, just empty arms and broken hearts.
The next two days were a blur as we made hasty preparations for a funeral that would be Monday June 14. On Sunday afternoon family and friends gathered at the funeral home to comfort us and say goodbye to our beautiful little girl. Though they tried their hardest to cheer Jene and I up, it was in vain. I felt, hollow, hopeless, and all alone. The funeral on Monday was brief but beautiful with our Youth Pastor delivering a call to salvation and his wife singing a lovely song. As everyone went home, I could not help wondering what to do now. How could we move forward? How could the world continue to spin and life go on as normal when we would never feel "normal" again?
Now 15 years later, life has moved on for us. We have three wonderful little boys, a beautiful home, good educations, and abounding love. As I look back on that most heartbreaking June of our lives, I can see how God was shining His abounding grace on us even in the darkness of our hearts. We were comforted by those we love and I know it was only through His strength that our marriage and our sanity was able to endure all those painful moments when it seemed all hope was doused. God held our hands as we had Azure baptized. He held us in His arms as we said our final goodbyes and He strengthened us through two miscarriages after we lost Azure. All the while God was whispering in our hearts the words of 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Even now I think of Azure everyday and there are times when my heart still aches for her. There are also days when out of the blue I begin to weep for her and wonder what she would have grown to look like, what her personality would be like, and what she would have grown up to be. On those days it is like being back 15 years ago on the day we said goodbye but unlike that day, I can see clearly the promises God made to us. I can embrace the knowledge that someday we will meet again in Heaven and that her life had purpose, even if I do not yet know what that may be.
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