Transformation: A selfish wife to a serving wife.

As many of those closest to me can attest; I am a moody person.  Add to that the fact that I suffer from anxiety and depression and its not hard to imagine that I am not always the most cheerful person in the world.  Though depression and anxiety are something that are not within my control I am very quickly learning that having these illnesses is NO excuse to not serve my husband or to neglect the needs of my marriage.  Before I begin discussing what I believe becoming a serving wife is, I would like to be quite honest.  I am not an expert at serving my husband, in fact I can name at least a hundred instances where I have failed to serve my husband in the last two weeks!! The idea of serving my husband was a rather foreign concept to me and frankly many women in our world (but that is a subject for a different post).  I have at times been down right mean, distant, and cold to my husband.  All marriage killers!  So how has my marriage survived all this?  Because of two men.  First, Jesus Christ.  Second, my loving, patient, and kind husband.  

I would like to take a moment to address these two men, my first love and my second love.  I firmly believe that Jesus is my savior and He died on the cross to save me from my sins.  He loves me, not because He has to but because He chooses too.  He does not need our love or adoration, yet He wants us even on our worst days.  It is because of this love that Jene is the wonderful husband he is.  Jene has taken the commands of Ephesians 5:25 very seriously and has never failed to demonstrate love to me, even when I did not respond to him in love.  

So at this point you might be asking "If Jesus and your husband are so wonderful, what's wrong with you?"  Well the answer is quite simple, ME is wrong with me.  I have been selfish and self serving. Far from the wife Jesus commands me to be in Ephesians 5:22.  Though in the past I made vague stabs at being "unselfish", I stubbornly refused to believe I could change.  So what happened?  God intervened!  

To explain how God had intervened in my life, I need to go back two weeks.  I woke up on a "normal" Thursday morning feeling as if my whole world just fell on my head.  My head was filled with illogical, unwanted thoughts and my heart was so filled with sorrow that it hurt to breath.  If you have ever had a depressive episode, you may be able to relate to this.  Everything within me wanted to flee my life.  To just say forget it and leave it all behind.  No I'm not talking about committing suicide.  I am talking about running away from my marriage.  I felt that I could never be happy again with Jene and that I had to escape.  These thoughts scared me and I knew that God did not want that.  I also knew that there was more at stake then just disappointing God but I would be hurting everyone I loved.  

At first I tried to fight these thoughts and feelings on my own, which is NEVER a good idea.  If I have learned anything in my past depressive episodes, true depression is not something that will just "go away" (again a subject for a later blog).  After about three days I finally went to Jene to discuss what was going on.  I had expected rejection and anger but what I got was a loving response, encouragement.  He insisted that he loved me and that he would be with me no matter what and tried to help me.  Everyday for 10 days he would hold me while I wept and listen to me ramble on about how terrible of a person I am, reassuring me that none of this was my fault, that I did nothing to bring on this depression.  WOW!  What a wonderful husband! During all this time of trying to figure out what was going on and how to fix it, an idea began to dawn on me.  I had failed, totally and completely failed to be a godly wife, to serve Jene and submit to Jene.  I had been living my own way even as I was attending church and teaching children how to love Jesus.  

Partially out of desperation and partially out of a sense that I needed to make some serious changes, I turned to researching articles on Focus on the Family and other Christian family sites.  In the back of my mind I knew that I had to make a drastic change or my marriage would not survive and I might not survive.  Thinking about I realized that God was using my depression to teach me what I had missed, what I had failed to do: love my husband as I had promised to do in my wedding vows, to follow God's word as a wife.  Even after this realization, I did not take full responsibility, I wanted God to change me...poof!  Yep, not going to happen!  I believe He is telling me I have to change myself by following His word.  So through my article searches and reading related Bible verses I am trying to transform from a selfish wife to a serving wife.  And here is what I believe this means: 

1. Love your husband even when you don't feel like it.  Romantic love like we have been fed in romance novels for centuries, is a fleeting love based on feeling.  Real love: Agape love*, means choosing to love.  

2. Do something kind for your husband everyday.  This doesn't have to be extravagant but should always be thoughtful. 

3. Smile.  A smile can lift the spirit and ease the mind. 

4. Submit to your husband.  Now ladies, please, please take some time to read about the true meaning of the  wifely!!  It is not what people think and it is what God demands of us wife.  Read Ephesians 5:22-24, 1 Corinthians 11:3, 1 Peter 3:1-22.  

5. Take care of yourself.  Now I am not going to tell you that you have to wear make-up everyday, wear dresses, and sexy nighties (though I'm sure the later will make your husband very happy).  Put on real clothes  and attempt to do your hair.  

6. Anticipate your husband's needs.  This does not mean you have to be a mind reader.  But if you have been married for a while, you probably already have a good idea of what he needs.  

7. Don't start complaining as soon as he steps in the door!!  My husband is a psychologist and you can bet his days are far more stressful than mine!  The last thing he needs is to be bombarded with a grouchy wife upon getting home!!  

8. Communicate, communicate, communicate!!  This seems like a no-brainer but if I had a dime for every time I talked at my husband instead of to him, I'd be very wealthy.  Tell him, without complaining or nagging, how you feel and listen when he wants to talk.  

Though I am just learning to become a serving wife, I am finding that by fulfilling his needs and attempting to serve my husband, our relationship has already changed for the better.  I feel more confident than I have in years and am taking care of things that I have neglected for longer than I should.  I am amazed at the sense of fulfillment that I receive when I focus on him on not on me.  It is not a complete transformation and I am obviously still learning.  Being human, I will obviously fall down sometimes and the change is not an easy one.  I am a creature of habit and these habits will not go away over night.  But I am confident that through being a serving wife, I will delight God, my husband, and myself!!  


*Agape Love: selfless, perfect love.  This is a love of action not feeling.  


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