Unsolicited, Unwanted, and Really Not Helpful: Parenting Advice Gone Awry.
Today I want to address a topic that has really bothered me since having my first son; unsolicited, unwanted, and not helpful parenting advice. If you are a parent, especially one with young children, you know what I am talking about. The "advice" (actually criticism) given by those who do not have children, think their kids never do (or did) anything wrong, or those who were not what we would call "good" parents. The "advice" that I think is often geared toward making you feel inadequate rather than to lift you up.
When I have kids....
Ladies, if we are honest, we would likely find that we were all guilty of this one before we had kids. Most of us, however; have held back actually saying out loud "When I have kids I will never..." or "When I have kids they won't..." but there are those who have the nerve to come right out and say this to a parent. Now, it may seem obvious why this advice is not wanted or helpful but I am going to give an example anyway. Imagine you are going to have your car fixed and you have no mechanical knowledge. While the mechanic is working on your car, you say to him/her "If I was doing this I wouldn't use that part." At this point the mechanic would likely think "well if you're so smart, fix it yourself" or "where did you get your training at" and he/she would be perfectly right. Most of us would never even think to give advice to a mechanic, doctor, or other professional about doing their job, so why do some people think it's okay to give parenting advice when they do not have children. I actually had one person so bold as to tell me that they did a lot of babysitting, so they knew what they were talking about! Seriously, as if having children of your own 24/7 can even remotely be compared to taking care of someone else's child for a few hours or even a few days. More than likely if you are providing advice about child rearing and you do not have children, the parent you are "advising" will likely resent it.
My Child NEVER.....
I'm sure as parents, we would all like to think our children are above certain behaviors but over the past 13 years, I have discovered that children often do and say things we would never expect. The thought that are children are little angels and incapable of doing "bad" things is an illusion that most parents loose around "the terrible twos". At this age was when I truly realized that the concept of all people being born sinful is far more accurate than the idea that all people are born inherently good. Sorry folks, but it's true! (No I am not interested in a moral/theological discussion about this). Children use disobedient behavior to learn about the world and to learn about YOU! They watch your reactions to their behaviors very closely and they are very quick to pick-up any lack of consistency in your discipline techniques. This is a psychological fact with little room for argument so any parent who says their child never misbehaves or never misbehaved, is fooling themselves, has a bad memory, or is lying. Advice given under this context is often intended to make one parent look superior over another or to hide the parents insecurities (possibly both). This kind of advice can be damaging to a young parents confidence, which is as unhealthy for both parent and child.
I Did the Best I Could....
I have someone in my life who seems to relish giving me parenting advice every time I see them. There always seems to be something I am doing wrong that he feels a need to "enlighten" me about but there is a problem with the advice he gives me; it comes from a person who used a "passive aggressive" parenting style with his children. His way of parenting his children went from one extreme to the next, either there was no discipline given for things which required should never have gone unaddressed or he would "over discipline".
One time when one of my boys was being particularly mouthy this person told me "When my kids were young they were too scared of me to talk back!" Can anyone else see what is wrong with this statement?! Is it really healthy for our children to be "too scared" of us? Is this the way he truly believes it should be? I think it is important to address here that this person's children grew up to develop some serious problems in their lives. Advice of this type is often given for the same reason people claim their children never do anything wrong. It is an attempt to make themselves feel better about their parenting skills through criticizing someone else's ability to parent.
Handling Advice Gone Awry
While it is easy to think nasty thoughts and tempting to tell those who give us unwanted parenting advice off, it would really do little good. Because they think they are right and you are wrong, they likely would listen to you and nasty thoughts only make you bitter. As a Christian, it is also not the way God wants me to respond to others, even those who irritate me. I will not claim that I always respond the way I should to unwanted advice, there are times when I fail to show Christ like love to those who give such advice, but I try to do the following:
Consider the Source - When receiving parenting criticism disguised as advice, it is important to consider the source. Does this person have any right to instruct you on parenting? If a person falls into any of the above categories, probably not. This is especially true for those who do not have kids. Parenting is something that must be experienced in order to be understood and even then it is often confusing.
Use What is Helpful - Sometimes those who give unwanted parenting advice come up with good points. It is important to learn to take what is helpful and not worry about what is not.
Pray About It - If you are a Christian parent (and I pray all my readers are) then you probably spend a lot of time in prayer. I know I pray daily for wisdom and frankly, for the patience not to strangle my kids. So then, why not pray for those who give us unwanted advice and the advice they give us? Often those who give us unwanted and overly critical parenting advice are feeling lost in their abilities or are afraid of making the wrong decisions for their kids. Praying for them is a way for you to express your concerns to God while simultaneously lifting them up!
Politely Decline - This is often the most difficult thing to do with people who insist on giving you parenting advice. They think that they MUST share their "wisdom" with you and that you will be a better parent for it. You may also be concerned about hurting the person's feelings if you tell them you do not want their advice but you need to remember, you do not have to listen to potentially damaging and unhelpful words. If a person wants to provide you with advice that you do not want, it is okay to attempt to "politely" bow-out. You can say something like "I really don't want to discuss this right now" or even "Can we change the subject". It is important to remember that just because you try to politely end the conversation does not mean the other person will not insist on continuing. At that point you may simply need to walk away.
Seek Out Good Advice
If you are truly struggling with a parenting issue or if you have questions, seeking out good advice may be helpful. The first place to ask for advice is from the Father of all creation. He knows the struggles you face and has faced far more than we can ever imagine. In His Word, He has provided us with all the parenting advice we need. However, sometimes you need to discuss a problem face to face and that requires trust. I know that I am fortunate to be surrounded by godly mother's and father's who are willing to help me when I struggle with my kids either through advice, prayer, or both. These are the people I go to when I feel I am making a mistake or just not getting it. I know that the first place they will direct me is God's Word and that any advice they give me will be given out of love and a sincere desire to help. If you have someone you feel comfortable asking for advice then go to that person and ignore those who you did not ask for advice from.
When I have kids....
Ladies, if we are honest, we would likely find that we were all guilty of this one before we had kids. Most of us, however; have held back actually saying out loud "When I have kids I will never..." or "When I have kids they won't..." but there are those who have the nerve to come right out and say this to a parent. Now, it may seem obvious why this advice is not wanted or helpful but I am going to give an example anyway. Imagine you are going to have your car fixed and you have no mechanical knowledge. While the mechanic is working on your car, you say to him/her "If I was doing this I wouldn't use that part." At this point the mechanic would likely think "well if you're so smart, fix it yourself" or "where did you get your training at" and he/she would be perfectly right. Most of us would never even think to give advice to a mechanic, doctor, or other professional about doing their job, so why do some people think it's okay to give parenting advice when they do not have children. I actually had one person so bold as to tell me that they did a lot of babysitting, so they knew what they were talking about! Seriously, as if having children of your own 24/7 can even remotely be compared to taking care of someone else's child for a few hours or even a few days. More than likely if you are providing advice about child rearing and you do not have children, the parent you are "advising" will likely resent it.
My Child NEVER.....
I'm sure as parents, we would all like to think our children are above certain behaviors but over the past 13 years, I have discovered that children often do and say things we would never expect. The thought that are children are little angels and incapable of doing "bad" things is an illusion that most parents loose around "the terrible twos". At this age was when I truly realized that the concept of all people being born sinful is far more accurate than the idea that all people are born inherently good. Sorry folks, but it's true! (No I am not interested in a moral/theological discussion about this). Children use disobedient behavior to learn about the world and to learn about YOU! They watch your reactions to their behaviors very closely and they are very quick to pick-up any lack of consistency in your discipline techniques. This is a psychological fact with little room for argument so any parent who says their child never misbehaves or never misbehaved, is fooling themselves, has a bad memory, or is lying. Advice given under this context is often intended to make one parent look superior over another or to hide the parents insecurities (possibly both). This kind of advice can be damaging to a young parents confidence, which is as unhealthy for both parent and child.
I Did the Best I Could....
I have someone in my life who seems to relish giving me parenting advice every time I see them. There always seems to be something I am doing wrong that he feels a need to "enlighten" me about but there is a problem with the advice he gives me; it comes from a person who used a "passive aggressive" parenting style with his children. His way of parenting his children went from one extreme to the next, either there was no discipline given for things which required should never have gone unaddressed or he would "over discipline".
One time when one of my boys was being particularly mouthy this person told me "When my kids were young they were too scared of me to talk back!" Can anyone else see what is wrong with this statement?! Is it really healthy for our children to be "too scared" of us? Is this the way he truly believes it should be? I think it is important to address here that this person's children grew up to develop some serious problems in their lives. Advice of this type is often given for the same reason people claim their children never do anything wrong. It is an attempt to make themselves feel better about their parenting skills through criticizing someone else's ability to parent.
Handling Advice Gone Awry
While it is easy to think nasty thoughts and tempting to tell those who give us unwanted parenting advice off, it would really do little good. Because they think they are right and you are wrong, they likely would listen to you and nasty thoughts only make you bitter. As a Christian, it is also not the way God wants me to respond to others, even those who irritate me. I will not claim that I always respond the way I should to unwanted advice, there are times when I fail to show Christ like love to those who give such advice, but I try to do the following:
Consider the Source - When receiving parenting criticism disguised as advice, it is important to consider the source. Does this person have any right to instruct you on parenting? If a person falls into any of the above categories, probably not. This is especially true for those who do not have kids. Parenting is something that must be experienced in order to be understood and even then it is often confusing.
Use What is Helpful - Sometimes those who give unwanted parenting advice come up with good points. It is important to learn to take what is helpful and not worry about what is not.
Pray About It - If you are a Christian parent (and I pray all my readers are) then you probably spend a lot of time in prayer. I know I pray daily for wisdom and frankly, for the patience not to strangle my kids. So then, why not pray for those who give us unwanted advice and the advice they give us? Often those who give us unwanted and overly critical parenting advice are feeling lost in their abilities or are afraid of making the wrong decisions for their kids. Praying for them is a way for you to express your concerns to God while simultaneously lifting them up!
Politely Decline - This is often the most difficult thing to do with people who insist on giving you parenting advice. They think that they MUST share their "wisdom" with you and that you will be a better parent for it. You may also be concerned about hurting the person's feelings if you tell them you do not want their advice but you need to remember, you do not have to listen to potentially damaging and unhelpful words. If a person wants to provide you with advice that you do not want, it is okay to attempt to "politely" bow-out. You can say something like "I really don't want to discuss this right now" or even "Can we change the subject". It is important to remember that just because you try to politely end the conversation does not mean the other person will not insist on continuing. At that point you may simply need to walk away.
Seek Out Good Advice
If you are truly struggling with a parenting issue or if you have questions, seeking out good advice may be helpful. The first place to ask for advice is from the Father of all creation. He knows the struggles you face and has faced far more than we can ever imagine. In His Word, He has provided us with all the parenting advice we need. However, sometimes you need to discuss a problem face to face and that requires trust. I know that I am fortunate to be surrounded by godly mother's and father's who are willing to help me when I struggle with my kids either through advice, prayer, or both. These are the people I go to when I feel I am making a mistake or just not getting it. I know that the first place they will direct me is God's Word and that any advice they give me will be given out of love and a sincere desire to help. If you have someone you feel comfortable asking for advice then go to that person and ignore those who you did not ask for advice from.
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