My journey through depression.
I know I have been making a lot of posts lately but for me it is a type of therapy. Anyway, I have talked a lot about depression in my last several posts but many of you may not know that this journey began nearly 17 years as I was about to reach 22 years of age. I was going along in life pretty much like any 21 year old (minus the alcohol) and thought my life was going well. I had a full-time job, good friends, and a cute boyfriend. Then I got sick.
I started having mysterious stomach symptoms, nausea, cramps, and mild acid reflux. I went through medical test after medical test and at one point dropped down to 95 lbs. The doctors did not seem to have an answer except that I needed to change my diet. Even after that the symptoms did not improve. At the same time that this illness struck, my boyfriend decided that I was a piece of property and began trying to control my life. He was telling me how to dress, what I could do with my hair, and when I could hang out with my friends instead of him. I also believed that he (a recovering alcoholic) was drinking again. Yet, I could not seem to stay away from him for long. As my illness and my bad relationship began to continue, a nagging sense that something was horribly wrong began to form at the back of my mind. At first it was just a little thought, not one I gave much weight or concern.
In mid-July I finally found out what was causing my illness, a polyp on my gull bladder (that would eventually dissolve on its own). I had mistakenly believed that once I found out my diagnosis and broke out of my bad relationship that I would feel relief from the sense of impending doom that was quickly growing in my mind but that was not the case. The nagging feeling had become an all consuming feeling of hopelessness and dread. I struggled to get out of bed each day, to bath, eat, or do anything else to take care of myself. I was hardly sleeping and my chest hurt almost constantly. Words cannot describe the horrible feelings that flooded me during this time just as I could not even begin to understand what was happening to me. I knew nothing about depression or the effects it had on me. What I understood was that I had no hope. Things that I had loved to do, no longer held any pleasure for me. I did not want to be around myself let alone anyone else. I was lost and often cried out to God, demanding that He take this all away from me.
People tried to cheer me up, tried to distract me from the feelings of hopelessness but it did not help. Neither did prayer or reading my Bible. My spirit was crushed and just before my 22 second birthday I decided I could not handle the pain anymore. I wanted to die but instead I reached out for help. At first I tried to reach out to my mother but she did not or perhaps could not understand. Her reaction to me was to say that "You need to get over it." She did not understand that I was dealing with something I could not simply get over. Finding no understanding with my Mother, I had to look elsewhere and I turned to a counseling center for an "evaluation". It was then that I was hospitalized for severe clinical depression.
My stay in the hospital lasted three weeks and when I left the hospital, I was back up to a semi-healthy weight, on medication, and feeling better about my position in life. I had hope again but that hope was temporary. Less than 6 months later, after dealing with thoughts I did not want and trying to muddle through, I found myself unable to carry on and that was when I attempted to commit suicide. Obviously the attempt failed and I was hospitalized once again, for two weeks of inpatient care followed by three weeks of intensive outpatient care. Even after all this, I was not out of my depression and was still struggling to keep my head above water. I felt that life was never going to be right again and this was just the way it would always be. I tried to cling to God's Word and to enjoy life again, but this time the recovery only lasted three months.
My third "major depressive episode" in a year was far worse than the other two, which I did not know was even possible. Not only was I deeply depressed, I was terrified by the thoughts I was having. Thoughts of hurting myself and others. My mind raced with irrational, blatantly false thoughts that seemed so real, it was hard to deny they were true. It seemed the harder I tried, the more the thoughts stuck in my head until I could not take it anymore. I was angry with God and I felt that surely if there was a loving God, He would never let me go through something like this. At the point where I completely lost any semblance of faith was at the point I decided I wanted to die. If there was no God, no Heaven, no hope, why should I live.
For the second time in less than a year, I attempted suicide by overdosing on Tylenol. However, hours later, while I was sick from the drugs, something inside me told me that I had to live, that I truly did not want to die. I believe that God intervened in my heart and stirred me call 9-1-1. I was rushed to the hospital and told that damage had already begun in my liver but because I had started vomiting, the damage was likely not permanent. Another act of God considering I took 20 Tylenol Capsules. I was once again hospitalized for nearly a month and during that time I lost friends and my Mother's trust. Because she was frightened of me and could no longer deal with my problems, she would not allow me to return home. At first I was very angry with her about this but came to understand that two suicide attempts and three major depressive episodes was almost too much for anyone to watch their child go through. But during this time and the months afterward, I gained a new sort of family. A family of fellow Christians who not only embraced me but who lifted me up in my struggles. I barely new these folks before I had my last depressive episode yet they were willing to draw me near and accept me for who I was. Between my second in third depressive episode, I also met one of the most amazing men I have ever encountered. My now husband, Jene. He was persistent in his pursuit of me and always reassuring me that I was a precious creation of God. During the weeks leading up to my hospitalization, I was horrible to him and yet he loved me anyway. He did not turn away from me or reject me but prayed for me and with me, constantly reassuring me that he loved me and nothing I was going to change that. At last I knew that God was intervening in my life and that He had a plan in my life that I could never have comprehended in those dark hours of depression.
So, you may be asking what's the point of going over all this? Why tell these horrible things to us? First, as I go through this latest bought of depression, it helps me to remember that I have been here before and not only survived but flourished. In the almost 16 years since my last major depressive episode I have been blessed beyond belief. I married Jene that December, reconciled with my Mother and some of my old friends, have been blessed with three wonderful boys, have a lovely home, have enjoyed serving the Lord in my church, have graduated from college and am preparing to do so again in July. And that is only the tip of the iceberg. Life has not been a fairy tale, we have experienced the loss of our only daughter, two miscarriages, and financial hardship but the Lord has held us close.
The second reason I am sharing this story is because I know I am not the only person who is walking or has walked this dark road we call depression. I know the pain and suffering that comes with loss of hope and the toll it takes on not only ourselves but those around us. I want the person who is facing depression to know that there is always hope, no matter how hopeless it may feel, no matter how lost you feel, God is taking care of you and He has a plan for you. He can turn your sorrow and hopelessness into victory if you wait on him. I also want to say that if you are feeling depressed and have for over a month, you need to seek help. God has provided medications and therapists who can help you find your way back to Him, you just have to be willing to reach out.
Here are some important verses to remember, ones I have been working on memorizing, to help you through your depression or perhaps to keep you from going down that road.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
I Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
I started having mysterious stomach symptoms, nausea, cramps, and mild acid reflux. I went through medical test after medical test and at one point dropped down to 95 lbs. The doctors did not seem to have an answer except that I needed to change my diet. Even after that the symptoms did not improve. At the same time that this illness struck, my boyfriend decided that I was a piece of property and began trying to control my life. He was telling me how to dress, what I could do with my hair, and when I could hang out with my friends instead of him. I also believed that he (a recovering alcoholic) was drinking again. Yet, I could not seem to stay away from him for long. As my illness and my bad relationship began to continue, a nagging sense that something was horribly wrong began to form at the back of my mind. At first it was just a little thought, not one I gave much weight or concern.
In mid-July I finally found out what was causing my illness, a polyp on my gull bladder (that would eventually dissolve on its own). I had mistakenly believed that once I found out my diagnosis and broke out of my bad relationship that I would feel relief from the sense of impending doom that was quickly growing in my mind but that was not the case. The nagging feeling had become an all consuming feeling of hopelessness and dread. I struggled to get out of bed each day, to bath, eat, or do anything else to take care of myself. I was hardly sleeping and my chest hurt almost constantly. Words cannot describe the horrible feelings that flooded me during this time just as I could not even begin to understand what was happening to me. I knew nothing about depression or the effects it had on me. What I understood was that I had no hope. Things that I had loved to do, no longer held any pleasure for me. I did not want to be around myself let alone anyone else. I was lost and often cried out to God, demanding that He take this all away from me.
People tried to cheer me up, tried to distract me from the feelings of hopelessness but it did not help. Neither did prayer or reading my Bible. My spirit was crushed and just before my 22 second birthday I decided I could not handle the pain anymore. I wanted to die but instead I reached out for help. At first I tried to reach out to my mother but she did not or perhaps could not understand. Her reaction to me was to say that "You need to get over it." She did not understand that I was dealing with something I could not simply get over. Finding no understanding with my Mother, I had to look elsewhere and I turned to a counseling center for an "evaluation". It was then that I was hospitalized for severe clinical depression.
My stay in the hospital lasted three weeks and when I left the hospital, I was back up to a semi-healthy weight, on medication, and feeling better about my position in life. I had hope again but that hope was temporary. Less than 6 months later, after dealing with thoughts I did not want and trying to muddle through, I found myself unable to carry on and that was when I attempted to commit suicide. Obviously the attempt failed and I was hospitalized once again, for two weeks of inpatient care followed by three weeks of intensive outpatient care. Even after all this, I was not out of my depression and was still struggling to keep my head above water. I felt that life was never going to be right again and this was just the way it would always be. I tried to cling to God's Word and to enjoy life again, but this time the recovery only lasted three months.
My third "major depressive episode" in a year was far worse than the other two, which I did not know was even possible. Not only was I deeply depressed, I was terrified by the thoughts I was having. Thoughts of hurting myself and others. My mind raced with irrational, blatantly false thoughts that seemed so real, it was hard to deny they were true. It seemed the harder I tried, the more the thoughts stuck in my head until I could not take it anymore. I was angry with God and I felt that surely if there was a loving God, He would never let me go through something like this. At the point where I completely lost any semblance of faith was at the point I decided I wanted to die. If there was no God, no Heaven, no hope, why should I live.
For the second time in less than a year, I attempted suicide by overdosing on Tylenol. However, hours later, while I was sick from the drugs, something inside me told me that I had to live, that I truly did not want to die. I believe that God intervened in my heart and stirred me call 9-1-1. I was rushed to the hospital and told that damage had already begun in my liver but because I had started vomiting, the damage was likely not permanent. Another act of God considering I took 20 Tylenol Capsules. I was once again hospitalized for nearly a month and during that time I lost friends and my Mother's trust. Because she was frightened of me and could no longer deal with my problems, she would not allow me to return home. At first I was very angry with her about this but came to understand that two suicide attempts and three major depressive episodes was almost too much for anyone to watch their child go through. But during this time and the months afterward, I gained a new sort of family. A family of fellow Christians who not only embraced me but who lifted me up in my struggles. I barely new these folks before I had my last depressive episode yet they were willing to draw me near and accept me for who I was. Between my second in third depressive episode, I also met one of the most amazing men I have ever encountered. My now husband, Jene. He was persistent in his pursuit of me and always reassuring me that I was a precious creation of God. During the weeks leading up to my hospitalization, I was horrible to him and yet he loved me anyway. He did not turn away from me or reject me but prayed for me and with me, constantly reassuring me that he loved me and nothing I was going to change that. At last I knew that God was intervening in my life and that He had a plan in my life that I could never have comprehended in those dark hours of depression.
So, you may be asking what's the point of going over all this? Why tell these horrible things to us? First, as I go through this latest bought of depression, it helps me to remember that I have been here before and not only survived but flourished. In the almost 16 years since my last major depressive episode I have been blessed beyond belief. I married Jene that December, reconciled with my Mother and some of my old friends, have been blessed with three wonderful boys, have a lovely home, have enjoyed serving the Lord in my church, have graduated from college and am preparing to do so again in July. And that is only the tip of the iceberg. Life has not been a fairy tale, we have experienced the loss of our only daughter, two miscarriages, and financial hardship but the Lord has held us close.
The second reason I am sharing this story is because I know I am not the only person who is walking or has walked this dark road we call depression. I know the pain and suffering that comes with loss of hope and the toll it takes on not only ourselves but those around us. I want the person who is facing depression to know that there is always hope, no matter how hopeless it may feel, no matter how lost you feel, God is taking care of you and He has a plan for you. He can turn your sorrow and hopelessness into victory if you wait on him. I also want to say that if you are feeling depressed and have for over a month, you need to seek help. God has provided medications and therapists who can help you find your way back to Him, you just have to be willing to reach out.
Here are some important verses to remember, ones I have been working on memorizing, to help you through your depression or perhaps to keep you from going down that road.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
I Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
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