Unplanned Plan
Jeremiah 29: 11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." NIV
As I go about my duties as a house wife, sweeping and mopping floors, wading through piles of laundry, and contemplating what to feed the family for dinner, I am struck with a thought. It is a thought that has come to me before and one that always gives me a moment of pause: this is not the life I planned for myself. Some may say this is a negative as many lament for the life they wish they had but for me it a more of a revelation. A silent praise to God for his Wisdom.
Thinking back to a time when I was a younger, far more naive girl, I can remember the plans I had for myself. These plans were ill conceived and ill carried out. My first dreams never included children or even a husband. They were plans of being a free spirited women, independent and not in need of anyone else. I first dreamed of being a nurse in the Army. Oh I tried my hand at both the military and nursing classes, both resulting in disaster. After those plans collapsed in utter failure, I continued to dream dreams of my own conception, never taking into account that God had plans far different than mine.
For a while after my military and nursing dreams fell apart, I wandered and was lost. I thought my life was on a good path, I had a steady job, read my Bible, went to church, had many friends, and a handsome boyfriend. Then it all came crumbling down like the walls of Jericho. I was plunged into a deep, bottomless pit of depression from which I thought I would never emerge. This depression was a God send, though I would have to go through two more major depressive episodes to realize it. To realize that God was tearing me down to make something new. Perhaps it was fear of completely letting go or just a stubborn determination to do things my way but I saw my plunge into the depths of emotional hell as a curse. A sign that I had done something horribly wrong, that I was a misplaced life, created to have nothing but misery and sorrow. I did not entirely turn my back on God but I was angry with Him for ever bringing me into existence and I will admit that I wanted to die! Death seemed a sweet release from a pain that was deep and unexplainable. If it had been up to me, my life would have come to an end at 22 years old. I tried God forgive me, I tried to end my own life but God was not ready for me yet. He was not going to allow me to just cease being, not while He still had plans for me.
The plans God had for me were laughable in my mind. The first part of the plan came in a boisterous, playful, rainbow haired weirdo named Ervin (Jene). In all my years of life I would have never given this guy a second look except maybe to note that he was kind of cute. He certainly was not the type I had in mind for me. Our first date was planned for us by a well meaning friend and after I spent a few hours with him, I was completely and utterly captivated. Still, I tried to pull away from him, tried to deny what my God was screaming into my heart "THIS IS THE ONE I HAVE CHOSEN FOR YOU!" We dated and broke up several times but in the end I found myself unable to stay away for long. I found myself pulled toward him as if there was an invisible bungee cord between he and I. We dated only 7 months before we got married amongst protests from my family and his. Some were convinced that our marriage was not God's will because I was pregnant when we got married, others were absolutely convinced our marriage would end in complete failure. Jene and I however, were determined not to listen to the criticism of others and to build a marriage on God's love.
Almost 15 years later I have few regrets over the changes in my life plans. Together Jene and I have experienced great loss. Three times the Lord took our children to heaven before we had the chance to know them. We have experienced great joy. The Lord has blessed us beyond words. And we have experienced blessing beyond what we could ever imagine. All because God had a plan for our lives that I would have never planned on my own!
As I go about my duties as a house wife, sweeping and mopping floors, wading through piles of laundry, and contemplating what to feed the family for dinner, I am struck with a thought. It is a thought that has come to me before and one that always gives me a moment of pause: this is not the life I planned for myself. Some may say this is a negative as many lament for the life they wish they had but for me it a more of a revelation. A silent praise to God for his Wisdom.
Thinking back to a time when I was a younger, far more naive girl, I can remember the plans I had for myself. These plans were ill conceived and ill carried out. My first dreams never included children or even a husband. They were plans of being a free spirited women, independent and not in need of anyone else. I first dreamed of being a nurse in the Army. Oh I tried my hand at both the military and nursing classes, both resulting in disaster. After those plans collapsed in utter failure, I continued to dream dreams of my own conception, never taking into account that God had plans far different than mine.
For a while after my military and nursing dreams fell apart, I wandered and was lost. I thought my life was on a good path, I had a steady job, read my Bible, went to church, had many friends, and a handsome boyfriend. Then it all came crumbling down like the walls of Jericho. I was plunged into a deep, bottomless pit of depression from which I thought I would never emerge. This depression was a God send, though I would have to go through two more major depressive episodes to realize it. To realize that God was tearing me down to make something new. Perhaps it was fear of completely letting go or just a stubborn determination to do things my way but I saw my plunge into the depths of emotional hell as a curse. A sign that I had done something horribly wrong, that I was a misplaced life, created to have nothing but misery and sorrow. I did not entirely turn my back on God but I was angry with Him for ever bringing me into existence and I will admit that I wanted to die! Death seemed a sweet release from a pain that was deep and unexplainable. If it had been up to me, my life would have come to an end at 22 years old. I tried God forgive me, I tried to end my own life but God was not ready for me yet. He was not going to allow me to just cease being, not while He still had plans for me.
The plans God had for me were laughable in my mind. The first part of the plan came in a boisterous, playful, rainbow haired weirdo named Ervin (Jene). In all my years of life I would have never given this guy a second look except maybe to note that he was kind of cute. He certainly was not the type I had in mind for me. Our first date was planned for us by a well meaning friend and after I spent a few hours with him, I was completely and utterly captivated. Still, I tried to pull away from him, tried to deny what my God was screaming into my heart "THIS IS THE ONE I HAVE CHOSEN FOR YOU!" We dated and broke up several times but in the end I found myself unable to stay away for long. I found myself pulled toward him as if there was an invisible bungee cord between he and I. We dated only 7 months before we got married amongst protests from my family and his. Some were convinced that our marriage was not God's will because I was pregnant when we got married, others were absolutely convinced our marriage would end in complete failure. Jene and I however, were determined not to listen to the criticism of others and to build a marriage on God's love.
Almost 15 years later I have few regrets over the changes in my life plans. Together Jene and I have experienced great loss. Three times the Lord took our children to heaven before we had the chance to know them. We have experienced great joy. The Lord has blessed us beyond words. And we have experienced blessing beyond what we could ever imagine. All because God had a plan for our lives that I would have never planned on my own!
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