It's Not Happily Ever After
I generally don't post two blogs in the same weekend or even in the same month but going to my little sister's engagement/house warming party yesterday got me thinking about all the other soon-to-be or recently married couples and what I would say to them after almost 19 years of marriage. I know that the world is full of advice about how to have a successful marriage and many fairy tale ideas of what a "perfect" marriage looks like. But I want to be perfectly honest and hopefully not give quip advice that will only lead to delusions about what marriage should be like.
1. Marriage is not 50/50. The idea of marriage being 50/50 chafes my mind like a tight pair of jeans chafe my legs. If you go into marriage with the idea that you only need to give 50% effort, you will be grossly disappointed. When you go into marriage you should go in with the idea that you need to put 100% of yourself into the success of your marriage but you should also be aware that there are going to be days when you need to give more than your spouse can.
2. There is NO such thing as a "perfect" marriage. When people think of the word perfect, they think of something that is flawless, without any rough or broken edges. That will never be the case with marriage. Marriage occurs between humans and humans are not by any means perfect. If that were the case, we would have no need of a Savior. We all have flaws and rough edges and those will lead to imperfections in your marriage. You will have rough spots, you will argue with your spouse, and frankly there will be days that you're not sure you even like your spouse.
3. Love is a choice! I have heard so many people who get divorced say, we just aren't in love anymore. The feelings most people associate with falling in love is based on hormonal reactions. That includes butterflies in the stomach, the desire to be around each other 24/7, and wanting to touch each other all the time. But like any other reaction based on hormones, that "in love" feeling is not permanent, nor is it intended to be. As I stated above, in a long lasting marriage there will be days you are not you even like your spouse let alone want him/her to touch you. And that is why you need to choose love! No matter what you are going through in your marriage, no matter what temptations the world may throw at you, you need to choose to love your spouse everyday!
4. Happily Ever After is a Myth! The concept of "happily ever after" has been shoved down the throats of young girls for centuries. This concept gives us a tainted view of what life is like inside marriage. In the Disney version of Cinderella, the last thing you see is Cinderella and Prince Charming riding off in a carriage after the wedding with the captions "And they lived happily ever after." But what happened after the honeymoon night? What happened after the kids came along and the job of ruling the kingdom started wearing them down? See, fairy tales don't give you the full picture. They want you to believe that once you are married, it will be smooth sailing from there. that is simply not true.
5. Always put your marriage first. This is the best piece of advice I ever got early on in my marriage. You have to remember that you chose to bring your spouse into your life. You vowed to love him/her until death do you part, forsaking all others. In case you are not aware, forsaking all others includes friends and family. Now don't take this the wrong way. You can still enjoy time with friends and family, that should remain an important part of your life. What I am saying is that your relationship with your spouse should ALWAYS come before any other relationship in your life except one. Your relationship with Christ must always come first in your life!! But when it comes to parents, siblings, best friends, bosses, even children, they must come in second place to your spouse!! If you begin to put other relationships before your marriage, your marriage will suffer.
6. Never stop dating. In many marriages the courtship ends with the honeymoon or after having children. There seems to be some sort of belief that once you get married and especially after you have kids, you no longer need to woo your spouse. The romance comes to a screeching halt and the routine of every day takes over. It doesn't have to be that way, nor should it be that way. Before life has a chance to get in the way in your marriage, make an agreement to establish a date night for just the two of you. It can be one day a week or twice a month, but make the agreement and stick to it. Its amazing how helpful a single night alone can be to your romance life.
7. Never EVER mention the word Divorce. I have heard women who have threatened their husbands with divorce if they don't "change". If you do this, you might as well put a nail in the coffin of your marriage. There is something poisonous about the very mention of this word and it is a very hard place to come back from. And a close relative to using the word divorce, is the word over. Both these words have a finality to them and are very powerful.
8. Put Christ at the Center!! As a Christian wife (hence the name of my blog ;) ) I firmly believe that if you choose not to follow any other advice in this blog, you must follow this one!! Since God is the author of marriage, putting Him in the center of your marriage will help safe guard you from outside temptations. Will it make your marriage perfect, no and look for the reasons under No. 2 but if you put Him at the center it will strengthen your marriage in a way nothing in this world can do.
Ultimately, there is no guarantee that if you follow my advice you will have a long happy marriage but I can tell you that this advice has worked in our marriage, for almost 19 years now. It has helped us through tragedy, unemployment, family problems, children, and sickness. I pray that it will help those who are about to get married and those who are newly married see success for many many years.
1. Marriage is not 50/50. The idea of marriage being 50/50 chafes my mind like a tight pair of jeans chafe my legs. If you go into marriage with the idea that you only need to give 50% effort, you will be grossly disappointed. When you go into marriage you should go in with the idea that you need to put 100% of yourself into the success of your marriage but you should also be aware that there are going to be days when you need to give more than your spouse can.
2. There is NO such thing as a "perfect" marriage. When people think of the word perfect, they think of something that is flawless, without any rough or broken edges. That will never be the case with marriage. Marriage occurs between humans and humans are not by any means perfect. If that were the case, we would have no need of a Savior. We all have flaws and rough edges and those will lead to imperfections in your marriage. You will have rough spots, you will argue with your spouse, and frankly there will be days that you're not sure you even like your spouse.
3. Love is a choice! I have heard so many people who get divorced say, we just aren't in love anymore. The feelings most people associate with falling in love is based on hormonal reactions. That includes butterflies in the stomach, the desire to be around each other 24/7, and wanting to touch each other all the time. But like any other reaction based on hormones, that "in love" feeling is not permanent, nor is it intended to be. As I stated above, in a long lasting marriage there will be days you are not you even like your spouse let alone want him/her to touch you. And that is why you need to choose love! No matter what you are going through in your marriage, no matter what temptations the world may throw at you, you need to choose to love your spouse everyday!
4. Happily Ever After is a Myth! The concept of "happily ever after" has been shoved down the throats of young girls for centuries. This concept gives us a tainted view of what life is like inside marriage. In the Disney version of Cinderella, the last thing you see is Cinderella and Prince Charming riding off in a carriage after the wedding with the captions "And they lived happily ever after." But what happened after the honeymoon night? What happened after the kids came along and the job of ruling the kingdom started wearing them down? See, fairy tales don't give you the full picture. They want you to believe that once you are married, it will be smooth sailing from there. that is simply not true.
5. Always put your marriage first. This is the best piece of advice I ever got early on in my marriage. You have to remember that you chose to bring your spouse into your life. You vowed to love him/her until death do you part, forsaking all others. In case you are not aware, forsaking all others includes friends and family. Now don't take this the wrong way. You can still enjoy time with friends and family, that should remain an important part of your life. What I am saying is that your relationship with your spouse should ALWAYS come before any other relationship in your life except one. Your relationship with Christ must always come first in your life!! But when it comes to parents, siblings, best friends, bosses, even children, they must come in second place to your spouse!! If you begin to put other relationships before your marriage, your marriage will suffer.
6. Never stop dating. In many marriages the courtship ends with the honeymoon or after having children. There seems to be some sort of belief that once you get married and especially after you have kids, you no longer need to woo your spouse. The romance comes to a screeching halt and the routine of every day takes over. It doesn't have to be that way, nor should it be that way. Before life has a chance to get in the way in your marriage, make an agreement to establish a date night for just the two of you. It can be one day a week or twice a month, but make the agreement and stick to it. Its amazing how helpful a single night alone can be to your romance life.
7. Never EVER mention the word Divorce. I have heard women who have threatened their husbands with divorce if they don't "change". If you do this, you might as well put a nail in the coffin of your marriage. There is something poisonous about the very mention of this word and it is a very hard place to come back from. And a close relative to using the word divorce, is the word over. Both these words have a finality to them and are very powerful.
8. Put Christ at the Center!! As a Christian wife (hence the name of my blog ;) ) I firmly believe that if you choose not to follow any other advice in this blog, you must follow this one!! Since God is the author of marriage, putting Him in the center of your marriage will help safe guard you from outside temptations. Will it make your marriage perfect, no and look for the reasons under No. 2 but if you put Him at the center it will strengthen your marriage in a way nothing in this world can do.
Ultimately, there is no guarantee that if you follow my advice you will have a long happy marriage but I can tell you that this advice has worked in our marriage, for almost 19 years now. It has helped us through tragedy, unemployment, family problems, children, and sickness. I pray that it will help those who are about to get married and those who are newly married see success for many many years.
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